September 12, 2016 in reflection+self · 2 minute read · views

so, let’s stop trying to pretend this will be anything groundbreaking and new.

i’m just another person that’s shouting into the void that is the internet, doing my best to figure out life and health and happiness and fulfillment. if no one reads any of this, that’s okay, because it’s not about making money or gaining a following.

it’s about working through my shit, and hoping that if someone does read it, that maybe it will help them, too.

authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. it’s about the choice to show up and be real. the choice to be honest. the choice to let our true selves be seen.

— brene brown

i care a lot about how people see me. i spend a lot of time worrying about how others perceive my choices and words and actions, and in turn worrying how those perceptions will impact my life. that i will lose the things that are important to me; that the life i have worked hard to have will shatter. i operate on the belief that one wrong move means that i will end up homeless, jobless, and alone.

it’s obviously not healthy to put yourself under that kind of pressure. but i also know that i’m not unique. the quest for perfectionism is widespread.

i want to stop living for the day that i will finally be perfect, and instead live each day wholeheartedly and authentically; to embrace my failures and messes alongside my success. to grow from an internal desire to be a better human versus the desire to appease external forces. i want to pursue interests that fill me with joy, without worrying about if i’ll be good at them or keep up with them and without worrying about whether they’ll help or harm my career. and i want to write about it.

so, i am.

— e